I am coming to the end of my last journey of 2019.
Italy, Hungary, Romania.
I aways loved to travel and I will always want to travel - it’s in my nature -, but after my year of living and travelling in Asia I discovered I need a better reason to do it.
The intentions behind my trips have completely changed the experiences I have gained form each one of my trips. Although I like seeing different places, trying new foods, breathe better air if possible and drink cleaner water, I realised that from each and every one of my journey I am growing as a person and that is what I value the most. I discovered that not a single trip I want to spend without having the experience for self-growth. This particular time I learn a very important lesson: to receive.
It might sound odd if I just put it in a sentence “I learnt to receive” but I didn’t notice it until now how the lack of confidence in receiving effected my life so far.
It all started years and years ago when I noticed I’m not able to receive compliments. No matter how nice I was or looked, how much I helped or how kindly I acted, if someone vocalised my efforts and thanked me for it, I had to throw their compliments back one way or another. I could just not take a compliment. It doesn’t mean I didn’t want to. I really really wanted to. I was and I will always be doing my best to serve people better, bring more joy into their life, to be better at my work as well as a human being. And of course I always wanted to be recognised all my life, yet when it actually happened I was not able to enjoy it.
And how does this come to me travelling for 2 weeks again this year, even though after my summer trip I said I need to stop and save money?
For a long time when I did something nice to myself (feed myself better, dress myself better, take time for myself and be with me, allow myself to have my own dreams and follow them) I felt guilt. I felt guilty being the person I always desired to be. I said things to myself like:
I can’t afford better clothes (by which I meant) I don’t deserve better clothes.
I can’t follow my dreams (by which I meant) I don’t deserve following my dreams.
…and so on, you get the point.
What has changed over the years is that I started to train my mind differently. I looked into my heart and I felt that I want a better quality of life for myself, and thankfully with the help of my dear friends I have repeated this enough until my thoughts have finally aligned with my true self. And now I know I deserve a better quality of life (I’m not talking about luxury, I’m talking about being healthier physically, mentally and spiritually so I can do my very best in this world and serve myself and others better. I am talking about better relationships with other people and a better relationship with myself. I am talking about modest things that I did not used to allow myself.)
And this winter, first time in my life I felt it’s ok to receive and accept help. I knew I wanted to make a trip to Italy, to meet a dear friend of mine and be able to see the place so I can start working out the details of my yoga retreat. I knew I wanted to organise a retreat because I want to create a job for myself. I know I want that so I can do what I love doing and be on a different vibration in my life. So I can breathe better, blossom more and create a balance in my life and not only that, but teach the same and inspire people to live better, more compassionate, more loving and more in peace.
I also know that I want to spread yoga and through yoga encourage people to be kinder to themselves and the planet. I know I want a community of beautiful souls where people’s heart are open to give and receive love. People who look at the world similarly as I do, people that can teach me and I can teach them. To exchange value money can not describe.
I am so much closer to manifest my true self’s desires now than I was 2 weeks ago it is incredible. Years ago I would have not gone for the trip, or if I was pushed to take the trip, my heart would have been so closed because of the guilt that I didn’t deserve such experience, I would have completely blocked myself from the experience and growth the trip thad to offer.
What happened now is that instead of feeling I have no right to be somewhere, I felt gratitude. Instead of saying “sorry” in the back of my mind I said “thank you”. I said thank you out so many times but what I feel can not be described by words. Words put a limit on my feelings and the only way I can really express my gratitude is by being true to myself and go manifest my dreams. To work as hard as I can to achieve everything my loved ones gave their support for.
So why it is important that I have learnt to receive?
First of all it taught me to accept myself. As cheesy as it sounds. Without taking all the benefits of life’s gifts for granted I have learnt to find myself. I am fulfilling my dreams and receiving confirmation from my body, mind and soul that I am on the right path. I am recharged with ideas, energy, love and inspiration. I feel so loved and supported, encouraged and excited to work harder, to find who I truly am and manifest that reality for myself. Not for selfish reasons but to be able to give back and give even more to the people that have put their trust in me. I received an incredible amount of love in all shapes and forms and I can not wait to return that multiplied.
I feel the investment from my family’s and friend’s side. The time spent together, the money spent on my trip (both by them and me! I learn’t to receive from myself too), the attention and focus they put into the conversations that helped me open my ways of thinking and better myself. I have received so much. And not only that, this time I did it with an open heart.
This was difficult for me years and years ago, but without learning how to do it properly, I wouldn’t be the person I always wanted to be. I wouldn’t create, I wouldn’t influence, I wouldn’t spread love, I wouldn’t express, I wouldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable and I definitely wouldn’t live a life that is aligned with my true self.
To close the Christmas season I want to let all the beloved people in my life know how truly grateful I am for their existence. Without them I wouldn’t be able to be the person who I really am. Without them I wouldn’t be manifesting my true self. Without them my soul would be on a completely different journey.
I can not tell what that journey would be like, but I know that the journey I am on is pretty awesome, and for that
I can only be grateful.