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Baggages

We all have them, we all need to deal with them yet most of us ignore them in hope of them disappearing one day. Magically.


I am guilty. I did the same, for many years and probably am still doing it on a subtle level. I could blame it on the parents, the old patterns, the way I've been brought up, the emotional unavailability of my mum and dad when I would have wanted to reach out. Sure. But I am an adult now and a few days ago (yes I know, thoughts seem to mature in a different time zone, I am nearly 30 for goodness sake) I realised, it is time to grow up.





It hit me hard. In the middle of my yoga practice, I think I was in downward facing dog and I realised I can no longer hide from myself. Other people? Of course, we are mostly presenting ourselves through our egos, but if I don't face myself and talk it out between me and me, change will never happen. No matter the countless breaths I'm taking in my yoga practice, the countless poses I am performing, if I am not facing those patterns, if I am not honest to myself, I can not help myself.


Yoga is wonderful yet painful. Not physically - although I could tell you a couple of stories me hurting myself because my ego pushed my body beyond its limits - but more so mentally. Dealing with everything in my world and not denying to admit my faults, my bad habits and the rather unpleasant manifestations of my disturbed emotions.


In the past days I had multiple conversations with my friends and inevitably they shared their mind-stuff with me. At the end of the day I'm a scorpio so I am attracting all the dark stuff, actually quite liking to swim in truthful yet dark areas of other's souls. I realised how disturbed we are, from a young age, no matter how privileged the life we live is. But all my friends, all my family members, and all the people I know even in far away countries have mental problems. Some of us justify them - some of us actually overdo the justification and just want attention of others, like all the time... - some of us ignore them, some of us know they are there but instead of honouring them and dealing with them, we say: "others have bigger problems!"


Again: I am guilty.


One of my favourite aphorisms from Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life :


In the infinity of life where I am,

all is perfect, whole, and complete.

I accept health as a natural state of my being.

I now consciously release any mental patterns within me

that could express as dis-ease in any way.

I love and approve of myself.

I love and approve of my body.

I feed it nourishing foods and beverages.

I exercise it in ways that are fun.

I recognise my body as a wondrous and magnificent machine,

and I feel privileged to live in it.

I love lots of energy.

All is well in my world.


I love it, it is beautiful, I agree with every bit of it, and while I am reading books like this peaking up from the mud of unresolved issues that I have within myself, after a while of trusting, respecting and loving myself I fall back to the same patterns of distrust within me, going back to the same patterns of not appreciating myself enough, punishing myself for my past mistakes and not allowing myself to rest and relax in my own skin. Why is it so hard to heal long term? Why is it easier to bash ourselves down instead of nurture our child side? That little disturbed, innocent yet wonderful girl/boy that needs warmer words form ourselves than "stop crying like a child!" or "you're a man for God's sake, pull your shit together!". I mean we can not be soft all the time but there are these moments in life when putting extra pressure on ourselves will not lead us to success but scars in our heart.


So I decided to open my heart to myself and others as well. To be vulnerable, to be open, to talk about problems, to build a support system, to talk myself up when I need it rather than distract myself, to deal with my karmic shit and patch myself up constantly. Because life moves on and if I just keep putting shit in the baggage it will inevitably overflow at a point.


And for this I need to create space and time and honour it. Taking that hour and a half in the morning to do my practice and not pay attention to anything but how I feel and come up with ideas on how to deal with it. To monitor and understand myself, to appreciate and love myself, no matter how the external world is that day. To allow God's love to enter my heart, receive it and heal those wounds that accumulated through time. And to reciprocate it and send all the love to my family, friends and acquaintances who are dealing with their own problems, to pray for them and wish them well.


That is one kind of Yoga that helps me deal with my baggages. But I'm sure there are multiple other ways. At the end of the day all that matters is that we have a tool, a safe space where we can go back to heal. In my heart, that is love, love for all and love within all.

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